Pie Jesu domine, dona eis requiem.

Breaking news: according to Shape magazine (March, 2016; volume 35, no. 6), which incorporates Fitness magazine, forty winks shouldn’t be.

Mirel Ketchiff writes: “enlightening new research is challenging [the notion, suggested by the National Sleep Foundation, that we need eight hours of sleep every night].” This enlightening new research indicates that prehistoric cavemen slept six and a half hours each night (possibly because they couldn’t get to sleep while the stalactites dripped on their heads); how anthropologists learnt the crepuscular habits of people who existed before the advent of recorded history is, evidently, left as an exercise to the reader.

Exactly how much sleep does anyone need, anyway? Someone once told me that children need about ten hours a night. Then the National Sleep Foundation told me that adolescents and adults require about eight. Now Shape magazine says I need six and a half. What’ll it be next; maybe I don’t need any sleep at all! Methamphetamine addicts have been known not to sleep for extended periods of time, and to become fashionably slender no matter how gluttonous their eating habits. Perhaps that is fitness, Fitness?

Soon we can all abandon our outmoded, unfashionable and inefficient nightly nonce of unconsciousness. Ascending from our benighted evolution, we’ll first return to our prehistoric habits (as though we ought ever to have abandoned them in the first place), and then do away with sleep altogether. Employing methamphetamine and a thousand other compounds we’re taught in school are bad for our bodies and minds, we’ll become Übermensch — harder, better, faster, and stronger than those other Nation-Brands.

Now unencumbered by our need to rest our minds each night so that we can demarcate the border line of fantasy and reality (and, vicariously, of right and wrong), and and thoroughly brain-damaged as a result, we’ll spring forward into a new age of crime, misconduct, and rampant procreation.

Promiscuity is a citizen’s duty.

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Be careful what you say. The U.S.A. is not as free a country as you have been led to believe.

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